If It Makes You Happy

Today, I came across a note posted in a friend’s Facebook profile about coming to crossroads in life and taking the “safe” option because most people equate that with stability and security. I smiled wryly as I read her comments about regretting the things that you decided not to do, and living with the outcomes of your decisions, especially the “risky” ones.

This is what “surrender and acceptance” means. Make that decision and surrender the outcome to the Divine. Then, accept the result, no matter what it is, with a heart full of gratitude.

So what if there’s a chance you might get hurt? A child falls many times before he/she becomes adept at walking. And, as I was saying to a new-old friend, it’s the painful lessons that we learn the most from. The more painful it is, the more likely you are to remember it.

Funnily enough, this happened right at a time when I find myself standing at a sort-of crossroad that resulted from recent developments in my life. And just this morning, I had asked the Universe to give me a sign to help me make a decision.

I had spent most of yesterday in contemplation, listening to the proverbial “angel” and “devil” sitting on each of my shoulders arguing it out … Except that it wasn’t a battle between “good” and “evil”. It was more like Head versus Heart, “safe and logical” versus “potentially painful”.

The illogical combination of unconditional love and selfishness (as Osho defines it, not according to the popularly used negative connotation) was enough to throw the mind into a tailspin. “It will never work!” screamed the Head.

But it does work. I should know. I am experiencing the result of that combination. Except that, with this particular case, the tables will be turned.

So, the question is not about whether it will work, because it does. The question is, whether attachment will creep in and mess with the alchemy.

“So what if it does?” asks the Heart. “Either way, you will emerge stronger and wiser from it. Either way, you will evolve. And either way, you did not let a chance to help the other pass you by.”

My friend ended her post with the lyrics from Leona Lewis’ song, Happy … Again, I smiled wryly as I read them:

Happy (Leona Lewis)
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
Cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

(*)So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy
Just wanna be happy

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, oh

All these days they feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can’t stand by the side, oh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by
(*)
So any turns that I can’t see
Like I’m a stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything
(*)

The Heart wins … And the roller-coaster ride continues.

Whoo-hoo!!! LOL!

Post-script: Just after writing this post, I visited my beloved Guru’s website and in the top right corner, where a different “Thought of the Moment” is shown each time, I saw this … “Spirituality is all about feeling and participating in the problems and pains of others.” – Amma

Bemused, I shook my head and smiled.

Spoiled Brat

That’s what MD calls me. And sometimes, it’s quite easy to see why.

Last Sunday was nothing short of spectacular … Spent the earlier part of the day doing girly stuff with Z — Thai massage, sashimi for lunch, a spot of shopping, then coffee and cake. It was fun to be frivolous with an old “partner in crime”.

Z hung around, hoping to get a glimpse of the extremely delicious dish she met last week, but no such luck. Usually very punctual, he was late that day and only arrived about ten minutes after she left. Perhaps Z isn’t as spoiled as I am … ahem.

Went for tai chi. It was energising. Got home-made cookies from Cookie Monster (they’re yummy!). Met CW, a husky-voiced singer from New York. Am watching her perform on New Year’s eve.

Had dinner, then drinks with K. “Never the same twice” is an understatement when describing this scintillating individual. There’s always something different to experience every time we meet up, and this time around, the changes were pleasantly surprising, to say the least. One thing has remained constant though — the no-holds barred, brutally honest observations that he dishes out.

The truth is hard enough to swallow when it’s sugar-coated, but with K, everything is laid bare. Yet, despite being bumped, bruised and having my ego torn to shreds every single time, I always find myself coming back for more. In fact, Sunday’s satsang (as I like to call it) lasted till 4am!

Over the last few days, I’ve literally been feeling shakti coursing through this body. The ajna chakra isn’t just tingling, it’s throbbing full-on. I bet if you were to look carefully enough at my forehead, you would see the pulsations. It’s that strong. And I feel really spoiled because I’m enjoying all this energy, in addition to face time with AC, Cookie Monster and K.

And as if to prove that I truly deserve MD’s SB label, last night was the icing on this multi-layered super-rich chocolate cake of a month (notice how it all happened in December?). I had a half-hour before my class, so I decided to go get a coffee and snack. The mind wanted to go to where I had a higher chance of bumping in to Cookie Monster, but I decided not to get my hopes up and went to a different place instead.

As I was waiting to place my order, I got a text message asking if I’m sure I deserve dessert. A huge grin spread across my face as I turned to see Cookie Monster sitting right across from the counter, smiling back at me. Ah, that smile would’ve made any hot-blooded woman go weak in the knees. Yet, somehow, the only thing that was going through my head when I looked into his mischievous eyes was: “Thank You for spoiling me!”

I  flashed him a blissfully amused smile and nodded. Apparently the Universe was very sure that I deserved dessert because I spent the next 15 minutes enjoying my “snack”, which I wasn’t even expecting to be partaking of in the first place. Yum!

The strangest part though, was that I was aware of the fact that I was watching myself enjoying the moment. It felt a little strange. I guess this increasing awareness of awareness is going to take some getting used to.

As I walked back to class, I called MD up to gloat. I was over the moon, in bliss and smiling like the Cheshire cat. As I hung up after our very short conversation, I found myself wondering why I’m being spoiled so much of late. I found myself asking — out loud and in my heart — why, Ma, why?

This morning, I found out why.

It’s a little ironic, but not at all surprising. K had talked about one aspect of it when we met on Sunday. Cookie Monster and I were talking about a diffferent aspect of it last night. When I read the text message that arrived this morning, I experienced a surge of emotions … Energy transformed by thoughts into feelings.

Outrage.

Anger.

Pain.

Relief.

Lightness.

Love.

Gratitude.

It was the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. To resort to emotional blackmail over money. When someone can stoop that low.  But I am not at all surprised because this is the same person who accused her “only one physical mother” of being a con woman; who accused her own brother of stealing from her; and who is now accusing her own sister of lying over a sum of money.

As I told K on Sunday, I’ve come to realise that the ugliness I see in others is a reflection of the vasanas in me. That is why I see them. That is why I recognise them. If only she could come to this realisation and see just what these accusations are meant to show her.

Materialism.

Drama.

Manipulation.

The need to control.

Yes, it’s all there in me. And seeing just how ugly this combination of vasanas is, I’m glad that She has arranged for me shed it without having to “act it out”. That would have been very uncomfortable and even quite painful, given the increasing awareness I’ve been blessed with of late.

As I’ve said many times before, when you trust and surrender, the Universe will create the circumstances that you need in order to evolve and grow. It might not always be the most pleasant parts of the ride, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

With the bonds of attachment being severed by one smooth, sure stroke of Mother Kali’s sword … It’s no wonder that the heart felt such a rush of relief earlier on, and is now so, so light.

Om Amritesvaryai Namah!