One phone call. That’s all it took.
Had the rug pulled out from under me yet again on Sunday night. No matter how many times its happened in the past (at the same time too!), I never see it coming … And I always end up landing really hard, head first, on a super-solid, blindingly gleaming, polished marble floor. Ouch!
All this is just figurative, of course. I didn’t really fall. It just felt like I did. And it’s a looooong way to the bottom.
True, I was forewarned, but that doesn’t help AT ALL! Trust me. The last word one would use to describe this life is ‘predictable’. It’s anything but.
Honesty. Witnessing. Put the two together and you have a lethal combination designed to tear the mind (and ego) to shreds. There is no way to be dishonest if you remain a witness. When you start witnessing, you see a lot of lies, pretense, deceit. It’s not a pretty picture. Especially when you realise that it’s all there inside you.
I thought last Monday’s shake-up was bad. To be asked that one question that makes me cringe the most: what do you want? There were so many answers inside my head, but I did not dare say a word. There was no escape. The answer was laid bare before me. Said on my behalf. And it was the last thing on my mind … The one with the strongest roots, perhaps.
It was painful hearing the truth. I didn’t even realise that this was what I wanted, deep down inside. It made me doubt myself. On top of that, the warning that came with it: if you think you can go back to being who and what you were before, think again. That shook me to my very core.
At first, I was in denial. I told myself that what was said was intended to aggravate the mind. I was sure that I wanted no such thing. I wouldn’t have things any other way than what they are now. I wasn’t about to throw it all away and return to life in the dark.
However, over the next few days it became clear that there is a part of me that yearns for what once was — the security, the attachment, the external things. It was a shocking revelation. And I was made to look right at it. Not once, not twice, but several times and with increasing severity. I had no idea this was inside me. It was a slap in the face.
The finishing stroke came before the week was out.
Sunday started out well. The festivities in the first half of the day left me feeling rather silent and more than a little drained. An unintentionally long nap preceded an unwitting conversation, during which the ultimate whammy was delivered.
That sudden change in the tone of voice as it became deadly serious. The vibe was so strong, it could be felt over the phone. Again, I was told to turn within: “In your case, you MUST turn within.”
This time, though, I was also told to stop doing something on my regular schedule because it is in diametric opposition to the need for honesty. It’s been making me more and more superficial, and all this damage can only be undone with a huge dose of awareness.
To say that I didn’t see this coming would be to deny the truth. I had been slowly losing momentum in this particular activity for many months now. It felt like a chore sometimes. I had to really psyche myself up to accomplish the task, and even then, most times I would find myself hoping that I wouldn’t have to do it … This feeling grew stronger as the weeks went by.
Now it’s clear why I was feeling that way. Head and heart were at odds with each other. One was bent on fulfilling an obligation, the other was attempting damage control.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to worry about how to remove this activity from my schedule. The Universe has its ways of making sure that one stays on track. It’s just amazing how everything just falls into place.
Spent a greater part of the next few days watching people around me. I started to realise that what was said to me during that half-hour phone conversation was undeniably true.
The more I observed how everyone else behaved, the more I saw things about myself. Was this turning within? I really don’t know. All I know is that I learned a lot about my feelings, thoughts and actions.
There was so much going on inside that it felt very, very unnerving at times. I would go through bouts where I felt the need to talk to someone about what I was going through, then I would feel like keeping it all to myself. I was second-guessing my own thoughts, feelings, motivations. There would be conversations going on in my head, with myself, with the Universe. And in-between, pockets of silence would arise. I was overwhelmed!
So this is what K meant by “going mental”. Yes, we are definitely connected, and as composed as I was whenever we were face-to-face or on the phone, the undercurrents were stirring … Only to go full-blown upon the beginning of a new chapter — for K, and for those of us strung on that same thread.
